There I was, studying at my desk in my apartment at 12:30am. Intently reading my textbook in the silence of the night when I started to hear a constant tapping in the distance. I didn't think anything of it until I heard the moaning. Lots of it. This has been happening a couple of times every other week since the winter. The sound proofing in my apartment building isn't the best but one of my roommate's actually slept in the livingroom because the activities going on upstairs were so intense!
I admit, my roommates and I have acted immaturely every once in a while by moaning obnoxiously back at them (which stops the upstairs festivities for all of 2 minutes). My roommate will come into my room saying, "Ughh they're at it again!"
Which brings me to the question, why is sex so taboo? Why do we look down upon others doing it (not literally of course, creep!) while we are (secretly) wishing to be in the same position? Is that so contradictory? The last time the upstairs incident occured I found myself with jealous feelings. Is that all it is? Are we only jeering rather than cheering because of jealousy?
You're pleasantly buzzed, and then you take that one extra shot, so now you've drunk just a little too much, but it's still okay. You haven't lost your mind yet, just your inhibition. So when that object of your affection or casual acquaintance you always thought was cool or even perfect stranger whose name is mumbled in the darkness to be forgotten the next day comes by, they're a little more appealing, and you're a little bolder. A touch here, a touch there, and soon you're off to somewhere more private to get to know each other better: one of your rooms, or just a couch in a corner if time/place are restricting.
It's often a one-time thing. Or maybe a two-time thing. Or it could progress into a friends w/ benefits situation. It could even evolve into a relationship, given the right circumstances. But what is it? Hookup. What does the word even mean? It covers a wide range from making out to fully having sex, and everything in between. "Heavy petting", "hanky panky". It's vague enough to protect from judging or condemnation, but telling enough to allow a claim of "doing something with someone" and not being alone, while reserving the details for yourself. The word's power lies in its lack of specificity.
The practice, contrary to some media reports, isn't inherently dangerous. Sure, it's risky (and stupid) to be having a lot of unprotected intimate contact with a lot of people,or to enter into situations where consent is questionable. But, in my experience, there isn't a pervasive hookup culture that's degrading, or damaging to girls (many of whom want some just as much as guys do!), or preventive of real, healthy relationships. Those who say so probably overestimate the "purity" of past times.
Hookups can allow you to explore without committing yourself too deeply. You can figure out what works and what doesn't, see what feels good, and practice bedroom encounters without heavy-handed emotions getting in the way. It might be easier to have a good time by following some guidelines:
*use protection when needed, pretty straightforward
*always make sure it's consensual for both of you for the whole tiem, because only consent is sexy
*be polite afterwards: even if you regret it, it's not going to make matters better by being rude to your partner; don't blame him/her for your own succumbing to Captain Morgan
*whether you're hooking up with a different person every weekend or whether you refuse to do anything without a Facebook-official relationship and everything, ask yourself if this is what you really want; you never know unless you try
*contact health or psych services if things turn out not the way you wanted it to
Basically, don't assume too much beforehand, like that the person in your sights thinks you're as hot as you think you are, and afterwards, accept that it happened and continue if you both want to or just move on. A hookup can provide experience, stories to share, even maybe a bit of self-knowledge, and, of course, pleasure. So have fun!
"King of the class, I'd rather lay up with a hottie
Single doesnt mean Im lookin for somebody (I Hate College Remix)"
"All the fellas nod their heads
All the ladies fall in love
Or in lust, either one baby i don't give a fuck
Uh uhh my tab's open, yeah (Tabs Open)"
Above, my fave Sammy Adams uneloquently references the nature of our fuck-it-all-lets-get-laid college party culture. I'd like to go ahead and disagree with his prospect that ladies can fall in love during the course of one night. It's very much only the lust option. Then again, it's not like he gives a fuck.
A couple nights ago, I was jamming to Sammy, absolutely wanting to party while simultaneously berating myself for entertaining such slutty desires. Then, I started watching old episodes of Gossip Girl, and Dan and Serena's bus scene comes up. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch it.)
Hot much? Sooooo hot. Hot enough for my mind to start spinning its own forbidden, cherry-licking fantasies.
Those are just two examples, but tons of magazines, hormones, music and moving pixels surround us daily, screaming 'SEX! Get yours today-- fast, easy and better than ever!' They're all triggers, driving us to crave sweaty, salty spontaneous risks, adrenaline rushes and thoughtless passion culminating in ultimate feral pleasure.
Hence, the appeal of a hookup. If all goes well, and everyone's on the same page, it seems pretty awesome.
Yet, I have a bone to pick with my sex drive. I'm not sure how I feel about hookups.
My non hypothetical question for you: Do hookups make you REALLY, SUPER happy? Like, truly just bubbling inside because you know that what you just did was incredibly fulfilling and passionately flamed with absolute respect and love for your partner, touching on a phenomenal spiritual connection that dwarfs your physical one? Probably not. Aside from seeming ridiculous, that type of experience is not the point. You know that when you wake up in the morning, this person won't be in your life anymore. Well, maybe -- but not like that.
Yet, some people (ahem, Catholics, for sure) aspire to reach that spiritual level in sex. That's one reason why they put it on such a pedestal, forbidden and shameful for experimental, unwed teenagers to try attaining. However, I'm starting to think that that type of sex is very different from hook up sex -- different enough that they shouldn't be compared, but just put in their separate categories and let be. Okay, okay -- my complete inexperience with this subject renders my opinions fairly useless. But still. It makes a little sense, right?
At this point in our lives, many of us don't have a steady significant other to share sex with in a meaningful way. Our lifestyles and goals are different than comparatively older couples. Is it so wrong to want to let loose some while we're young? What are we supposed to do with our sex drives? Let them rot there, and then leak their way into other parts of our bodies and brains, eventually to be manifested by changes in mood and general well-being? Maybe that's far-fetched, but I don't think so.
I suppose I'm preaching sexual freedom. Never thought I'd do that. At the same time, I do believe that sex can be sacred and special and all that. I'm just not sure that the two are mutually exclusive, so I find it frustrating that people who do one assume that the other is wrong and inferior. Hence, the hyperboles of 'prude' or 'slut'. Can't we be both, or neither?
Alright, it's late. I can't think anymore, from now on everything will be gibberish. haha, later guys.
Ice Chewer is nineteen, female, straight and single.
In my intro, I said I'm not much for hooking up because I prefer being in love. And I do.
But I'm not always in a relationship by any means - I am in no way a 'serial monogamist.' There is definitely merit to the idea of hooking up without romantic attachment; it's something to do (to satisfy, if you will) between more serious relationships.
Still, based on the very little experience with this that I do have, I find that purely sexual (that is, non-romantic) lust-induced hooking up doesn't fully satisfy without that emotional factor. I need substance for my mind to stay interested. Like, what am I supposed to think about? Maybe I'm still a little bit prude (I still have a hard time believing people are having sex but I mean, we're in college) but I don't think I'm fully comfortable with hooking up, knowing that it's for sexual needs only. Maybe I'm not that comfortable with myself yet - it's hard to be that intimate with someone else. It's, like, ultimate vulnerability. At least for me.
And to clarify, I define 'hooking up' as anything from making out to sex, and everything in between.
Now, let's talk alcohol. We're in college. We drink. A lot. We get drunk. Often. And uninhibited late-night clouded-judgement hooking up is common. That's a fact. But we like it. (And when I say we, I don't mean to alienate the wholesome morally-upstanding people who prefer sobriety. Kudos!) It definitely leads to awkward mornings after. But I know that I like drinking because of the uninhibitedness - I can be as crazy as my liver will let me, and it's not my fault - it's the 5 shots of Svedka I pounded before going to this frat party. Alcohol allows you to hook up with that guy you've been eyeing but were too shy to meet sober, and you hope that he's less drunk than you because he'll remember everything and you'll just remember that you finally worked up the (drunken) courage to talk to him! We could go on about this topic for years. (Which is why there are guest posts!)
Hooking up is made a million times easier with the presence of alcohol and the acceptance of binge-drinking. Now, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss.
"You know, statistically speaking, chances were you’d end up with a Christian girl. Sorry about that.”
I was laughing, but really, we both knew it was true. I’m technically an agnostic, but for all points and purposes I may as well be called an atheist. I pretty much live my life as though there isn’t a God. My boyfriend is a Christian, a pastor’s son.
I’m not going to lie: these two systems of belief are kind of hard to mesh. As two very independent individuals, faith is an integrity thing. He is not going to alter his beliefs for me, and I wouldn’t ever want him to. I’m not going to become religious for his sake, or even pretend to. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he asked me if I could ever see my views changing, and I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t do that for you.”
The longer we stay together the more these issues will come up. For now his parents are happy to see him happy, but at some point I know they’re going to start questioning where we’re taking this. It’s a little bit unfair, or at least unbalanced: he’s going to have more people on his case than I will.
Despite everything, I’m happy to say that I think an interfaith relationship is possible. As every couple should, we put an emphasis on respect and communication. I’d venture to say it’s even more imperative in a situation like ours.
TLD is female, straight, eighteen years old, and in a relationship.
