Anonymous Guest Post on Hooking Up

You're pleasantly buzzed, and then you take that one extra shot, so now you've drunk just a little too much, but it's still okay.  You haven't lost your mind yet, just your inhibition.  So when that object of your affection or casual acquaintance you always thought was cool or even perfect stranger whose name is mumbled in the darkness to be forgotten the next day comes by, they're a little more appealing, and you're a little bolder.  A touch here, a touch there, and soon you're off to somewhere more private to get to know each other better: one of your rooms, or just a couch in a corner if time/place are restricting.

It's often a one-time thing.  Or maybe a two-time thing.  Or it could progress into a friends w/ benefits situation.  It could even evolve into a relationship, given the right circumstances.  But what is it?  Hookup.  What does the word even mean?  It covers a wide range from making out to fully having sex, and everything in between.  "Heavy petting", "hanky panky".  It's vague enough to protect from judging or condemnation, but telling enough to allow a claim of "doing something with someone" and not being alone, while reserving the details for yourself.  The word's power lies in its lack of specificity.

The practice, contrary to some media reports, isn't inherently dangerous.  Sure, it's risky (and stupid) to be having a lot of unprotected intimate contact with a lot of people,or to enter into situations where consent is questionable.  But, in my experience, there isn't a pervasive hookup culture that's degrading, or damaging to girls (many of whom want some just as much as guys do!), or preventive of real, healthy relationships.  Those who say so probably overestimate the "purity" of past times.

Hookups can allow you to explore without committing yourself too deeply.  You can figure out what works and what doesn't, see what feels good, and practice bedroom encounters without heavy-handed emotions getting in the way.  It might be easier to have a good time by following some guidelines:

*use protection when needed, pretty straightforward
*always make sure it's consensual for both of you for the whole tiem, because only consent is sexy
*be polite afterwards: even if you regret it, it's not going to make matters better by being rude to your partner; don't blame him/her for your own succumbing to Captain Morgan
*whether you're hooking up with a different person every weekend or whether you refuse to do anything without a Facebook-official relationship and everything, ask yourself if this is what you really want; you never know unless you try
*contact health or psych services if things turn out not the way you wanted it to

Basically, don't assume too much beforehand, like that the person in your sights thinks you're as hot as you think you are, and afterwards, accept that it happened and continue if you both want to or just move on.  A hookup can provide experience, stories to share, even maybe a bit of self-knowledge, and, of course, pleasure.  So have fun!

Just my 2 cents.


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Ice Chewer on Hooking Up

"King of the class, I'd rather lay up with a hottie

Single doesnt mean Im lookin for somebody (I Hate College Remix)" 

"All the fellas nod their heads

All the ladies fall in love

Or in lust, either one baby i don't give a fuck

Uh uhh my tab's open, yeah (Tabs Open)"

Above, my fave Sammy Adams uneloquently references the nature of our fuck-it-all-lets-get-laid college party culture. I'd like to go ahead and disagree with his prospect that ladies can fall in love during the course of one night. It's very much only the lust option. Then again, it's not like he gives a fuck. 

A couple nights ago, I was jamming to Sammy, absolutely wanting to party while simultaneously berating myself for entertaining such slutty desires. Then, I started watching old episodes of Gossip Girl, and Dan and Serena's bus scene comes up. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch it.)

Hot much? Sooooo hot. Hot enough for my mind to start spinning its own forbidden, cherry-licking fantasies. 

Those are just two examples, but tons of magazines, hormones, music and moving pixels surround us daily, screaming 'SEX! Get yours today-- fast, easy and better than ever!' They're all triggers, driving us to crave sweaty, salty spontaneous risks, adrenaline rushes and thoughtless passion culminating in ultimate feral pleasure.

Hence, the appeal of a hookup. If all goes well, and everyone's on the same page, it seems pretty awesome. 

Yet, I have a bone to pick with my sex drive. I'm not sure how I feel about hookups. 

My non hypothetical question for you: Do hookups make you REALLY, SUPER happy? Like, truly just bubbling inside because you know that what you just did was incredibly fulfilling and passionately flamed with absolute respect and love for your partner, touching on a phenomenal spiritual connection that dwarfs your physical one? Probably not. Aside from seeming ridiculous, that type of experience is not the point. You know that when you wake up in the morning, this person won't be in your life anymore. Well, maybe -- but not like that. 

Yet, some people (ahem, Catholics, for sure) aspire to reach that spiritual level in sex. That's one reason why they put it on such a pedestal, forbidden and shameful for experimental, unwed teenagers to try attaining. However, I'm starting to think that that type of sex is very different from hook up sex -- different enough that they shouldn't be compared, but just put in their separate categories and let be. Okay, okay -- my complete inexperience with this subject renders my opinions fairly useless. But still. It makes a little sense, right? 

At this point in our lives, many of us don't have a steady significant other to share sex with in a meaningful way. Our lifestyles and goals are different than comparatively older couples. Is it so wrong to want to let loose some while we're young? What are we supposed to do with our sex drives? Let them rot there, and then leak their way into other parts of our bodies and brains, eventually to be manifested by changes in mood and general well-being? Maybe that's far-fetched, but I don't think so. 

I suppose I'm preaching sexual freedom. Never thought I'd do that. At the same time, I do believe that sex can be sacred and special and all that. I'm just not sure that the two are mutually exclusive, so I find it frustrating that people who do one assume that the other is wrong and inferior. Hence, the hyperboles of 'prude' or 'slut'. Can't we be both, or neither? 

Alright, it's late. I can't think anymore, from now on everything will be gibberish. haha, later guys. 


Ice Chewer is nineteen, female, straight and single.

April on hooking up

In my intro, I said I'm not much for hooking up because I prefer being in love. And I do.

But I'm not always in a relationship by any means - I am in no way a 'serial monogamist.' There is definitely merit to the idea of hooking up without romantic attachment; it's something to do (to satisfy, if you will) between more serious relationships.

Still, based on the very little experience with this that I do have, I find that purely sexual (that is, non-romantic) lust-induced hooking up doesn't fully satisfy without that emotional factor. I need substance for my mind to stay interested. Like, what am I supposed to think about? Maybe I'm still a little bit prude (I still have a hard time believing people are having sex but I mean, we're in college) but I don't think I'm fully comfortable with hooking up, knowing that it's for sexual needs only. Maybe I'm not that comfortable with myself yet - it's hard to be that intimate with someone else. It's, like, ultimate vulnerability. At least for me.

And to clarify, I define 'hooking up' as anything from making out to sex, and everything in between.

Now, let's talk alcohol. We're in college. We drink. A lot. We get drunk. Often. And uninhibited late-night clouded-judgement hooking up is common. That's a fact. But we like it. (And when I say we, I don't mean to alienate the wholesome morally-upstanding people who prefer sobriety. Kudos!) It definitely leads to awkward mornings after. But I know that I like drinking because of the uninhibitedness - I can be as crazy as my liver will let me, and it's not my fault - it's the 5 shots of Svedka I pounded before going to this frat party. Alcohol allows you to hook up with that guy you've been eyeing but were too shy to meet sober, and you hope that he's less drunk than you because he'll remember everything and you'll just remember that you finally worked up the (drunken) courage to talk to him! We could go on about this topic for years. (Which is why there are guest posts!)

Hooking up is made a million times easier with the presence of alcohol and the acceptance of binge-drinking. Now, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss.

April is nineteen, female, straight and single.

Trying Long Distance on Interfaith Dating

Meet Trying Long Distance (TLD) here.

"You know, statistically speaking, chances were you’d end up with a Christian girl. Sorry about that.”

I was laughing, but really, we both knew it was true. I’m technically an agnostic, but for all points and purposes I may as well be called an atheist. I pretty much live my life as though there isn’t a God. My boyfriend is a Christian, a pastor’s son.

I’m not going to lie: these two systems of belief are kind of hard to mesh. As two very independent individuals, faith is an integrity thing. He is not going to alter his beliefs for me, and I wouldn’t ever want him to. I’m not going to become religious for his sake, or even pretend to. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he asked me if I could ever see my views changing, and I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t do that for you.”

The longer we stay together the more these issues will come up. For now his parents are happy to see him happy, but at some point I know they’re going to start questioning where we’re taking this. It’s a little bit unfair, or at least unbalanced: he’s going to have more people on his case than I will.

Despite everything, I’m happy to say that I think an interfaith relationship is possible. As every couple should, we put an emphasis on respect and communication. I’d venture to say it’s even more imperative in a situation like ours.

TLD is female, straight, eighteen years old, and in a relationship.

CD on Interracial/Interfaith Dating

Meet CD (Casual Dater) here.

Heya there readers,

If you remember from my intro, I'm a practicing Jew.  I do take my faith very seriously.  That said, when it comes to interfaith dating, I'm all for it.

Now if that happens to be surprising to you, let me explain.

This hearkens back to my general philosophy as outlined in my intro: dating is not marriage nor does it even indicate compatibility in any sort of romantic relationship.

In the early dating stages, it really shouldn't make a difference what faith a person practices (or doesn't practice) just like any other differences in opinion should not make a huge difference.  We shut ourselves off to potentially wonderful people just because of a relatively arbitrary initial distinction.

Then again, I can't, at this point, picture myself marrying a non-Jewish man.  Does that mean that I'll limit my dating options to only Jewish men just because I hold that principle?  No.  Perhaps I'll find that with the right person, his Judaism becomes less relevant.

So why limit ourselves?  It simply does not make sense to go on a date with the same expectations you have for a life partner.  Try it out!  You might surprise yourself.

Coincidentally, most of the people I've had serious crushes on in recent memory were not Jewish, but all of the people I've "dated" were.  For me, it's not even a serious consideration anymore and won't be until I'm ready to commit for the longer term.

That's just how I roll.

Peace out,

CD

CD (Casual Dater) is female, straight and 20 years old.


Note from the Editor: If you have things to say about this topic, write up a post! To keep your contributions completely anonymous, log in to our PDO Writer gmail account:
username: pdo.writer
password: diametric
So submit! (especially if you're a guy or in an interracial relationship)

Taking a Break on Interracial/Interfaith Dating

Meet Taking a Break (TaB) here.

So far in life, it seems that I have been plagued with only liking boys I can’t have.  I mean, it is hard enough to find a guy in general, but adding on the religious constraints my parents add makes things quite difficult. They have told me, since I was little, that they will not attend my wedding if I marry outside of my religion.  Now, that sounds downright evil, you may be thinking, and quite a few friends have said to me that this sounds racist. I love and respect my parents, and I want their support at my wedding, even if they are being rather harsh.

Disregarding these rules, I dated out of our religion. I felt that I was probably not going to marry my first boyfriend, so it would be no big deal. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My mother was ashamed of my relationship, and she made sure her mother didn’t find out, because my grandmother would most certainly have complained about it as she had done when my cousin dated outside of our religion. Additionally, his parents didn’t want him dating me either, based on racial grounds. The relationship lasted longer than I had initially expected, but as we grew closer, our parents’ desires and no possibility of a real future kept pulling us apart. And when it ended, unfortunately, this whole race/religion/parents thing was a big factor.

One thing that this relationship taught me, however, is that I would prefer to marry someone within my religion. The culture, the traditions, the holidays, are all very important to my identity, and although I could love someone who does not have those as part of their life, I’d prefer finding someone who I could share them with. If I want to raise a family someday within my religion, I’ll need a partner with at least some of the cultural values that I have been brought up with.

Although, in the end, I came to the same conclusion as my parents, I don’t think they went about it the right way. Threatening your child in that way makes staying within your religion or race seem like a punishment or a constraint, but in reality, I would have come to the same decision on my own eventually. If culture and religion are important to you, as it is to me, it will be your own factor in finding a mate. And if religion and race is not important to you as you find a partner that is perfectly alright. An individual will try and make the decision that is right for them and their situation. Parents can give advice and support, but ultimately it is the child’s choice, and they should be able to accept that.

Taking a Break (TaB) is nineteen, female and single.


PS (note from the editor): New comment form so you can respond to individual comments!

April on Interracial Dating

If you're new to the blog, I'm April. Nice to meet you. I'm one of the creators of this blog, and I'm super excited to start it up again with fresh writers and new topics :) Feel free to go back and read our archived posts to see what we're all about.

Quick intro:
First, read this. And since this post is about race and religion: I'm Chinese, but my parents are not your typical strict-about-dating-and-boys Asian parents. I'm very nonreligious - I was raised without any sort of religious background, and I still don't completely understand it. So...there you go - everything you didn't need to know about me and more.

On being Asian:
As an ABC (American Born Chinese), I'm pretty white for an Asian. I may like school and math in particular, but I don't speak Chinese, I don't eat the food that much, and truthfully I don't know what "real" Asians do, so I can't even complete this list of things that I don't do.

I have always known that I will never marry an Asian guy. (When I say Asian, I'm including oriental Asians only - Indians are fair game.) I'd probably date a couple in the next ten years or so, but not seriously. This may be because I think half-Asians are the best thing ever, and obviously, me reproducing with another Asian would result in full-Asian babies. But really I'm just not attracted to them. I like all other kinds of guys - white, Jewish, Black, Indian, Hispanic, you name it.

[Let me just add half-Asians to that list. Like I said, I think they are the best thing ever. I guess this can be explained: There are Asian qualities that I like, most certainly, but there are those that I apparently do not like. The half-non-Asian part of half-Asians takes those qualities away, I suppose. Not sure.]

On interracial and interfaith dating:
While I've only dated white guys in the past, I have liked guys (or should we call them men?) of all colors and religions. Being the yellow-on-the-outside-white-on-the-inside Asian that I am, it's really not a big deal. My parents are not limiting me to only Chinese dudes (thank god) and they really couldn't care less about who I date. In terms of affluence, Asians and whites are typically on fairly equal ground, so socio-economically, there's no difference. There's no Pretty In Pink storyline anywhere. That would be a great topic for another day.

I don't think I could ever date someone who was religious, because that would be a huge part of him that I just wouldn't be able to understand.

Conclusion:
This post can be summed up like so:

• I'm Asian, but I don't like Asians. (unless they're half-Asian)
• My parents do not restrict who I can and can't date; for this, I am very thankful.
• I cannot imagine what my life would be like if they did restrict my love life (see bullet 1).
• If only because religion is a pretty big part of people's lives, I could not date someone who was very religious because I wouldn't be able to share in that big part of their life.
• I believe our other contributors can offer much better insight on this topic.

Thanks very much to Tanya and Maddy for this fabulous topic suggestion!

April is female, straight and 19 years old.

Restarting back up again?

Hey.

I don't know who would still be reading this at this point, since the last post was over a year ago, and the last post before that was almost two years ago. But if you're out there, I'm thinking of starting this up again. It would give me something to do, and I still am extremely interested in this topic.

I just got home from hanging out with two friends, and we basically talked for hours about relationships, hookups, dating, etc. And after a year in college, I think we all have new experiences, insights and opinions to share.

And I'd like to continue again, and this time include more voices. Duncan and I are only two people with only our personal experiences to talk about, which are naturally limited. And there are many people out there who can't relate to us, but may be able to relate to others. Like people who have never been kissed. People who have never been in a relationship and people who have never been in love. Single people, casual daters, drunken-hookups-only type people. People who have dated one person on and off for years. People who want to save themselves for marriage, or just love. People who want to get it over with. Perhaps there are people who would be open to blogging about their sex lives (or lack thereof).

This stuff can get personal. So what if we made the authors anonymous? Maybe just with a simple label like "Nerdy Guy" or "Hot Girl" or "Bro" (ha). This way, we could all be more honest and open, which would open up more discussion.

We could definitely revisit some of the topics we've already gone over, since I'm sure our opinions have changed, even just slightly. I mean, we're college students now. Surely we've had our fair share of embarrassing stories, awkward hookups, and perhaps experimentation - and now there's illegal substances and their effects to be added into the mix.

Here's a thought. I think I have forgotten how to flirt. And that's just awful! Tips, lessons, anecdotes  - all totally welcome in my book. And maybe there are people who just plain never knew how (ahem).

And it's summer! I don't know anyone who's not looking for a summer fling. And there's also the awkwardness of being home for the summer with high school friends we said goodbye to last year, and the anticipation of going back to school with a totally new set of people (freshmen!) to eye. Or someone you had to put on hold for the summer, and you want to see how it goes come fall.

I just love this blog because we discuss so many different things, and the possibilities are endless, and everyone can find something to learn or think about - it's so applicable to our lives. We're all college students or high-schoolers, and we're all going through the same things, more or less.

I apologize for the all-over-the-place-ness of this post. It's late. I have to wake up in four hours. Comment with thoughts!