Trying Long Distance on Interfaith Dating

Meet Trying Long Distance (TLD) here.

"You know, statistically speaking, chances were you’d end up with a Christian girl. Sorry about that.”

I was laughing, but really, we both knew it was true. I’m technically an agnostic, but for all points and purposes I may as well be called an atheist. I pretty much live my life as though there isn’t a God. My boyfriend is a Christian, a pastor’s son.

I’m not going to lie: these two systems of belief are kind of hard to mesh. As two very independent individuals, faith is an integrity thing. He is not going to alter his beliefs for me, and I wouldn’t ever want him to. I’m not going to become religious for his sake, or even pretend to. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he asked me if I could ever see my views changing, and I shook my head. “I can’t. I can’t do that for you.”

The longer we stay together the more these issues will come up. For now his parents are happy to see him happy, but at some point I know they’re going to start questioning where we’re taking this. It’s a little bit unfair, or at least unbalanced: he’s going to have more people on his case than I will.

Despite everything, I’m happy to say that I think an interfaith relationship is possible. As every couple should, we put an emphasis on respect and communication. I’d venture to say it’s even more imperative in a situation like ours.

TLD is female, straight, eighteen years old, and in a relationship.

CD on Interracial/Interfaith Dating

Meet CD (Casual Dater) here.

Heya there readers,

If you remember from my intro, I'm a practicing Jew.  I do take my faith very seriously.  That said, when it comes to interfaith dating, I'm all for it.

Now if that happens to be surprising to you, let me explain.

This hearkens back to my general philosophy as outlined in my intro: dating is not marriage nor does it even indicate compatibility in any sort of romantic relationship.

In the early dating stages, it really shouldn't make a difference what faith a person practices (or doesn't practice) just like any other differences in opinion should not make a huge difference.  We shut ourselves off to potentially wonderful people just because of a relatively arbitrary initial distinction.

Then again, I can't, at this point, picture myself marrying a non-Jewish man.  Does that mean that I'll limit my dating options to only Jewish men just because I hold that principle?  No.  Perhaps I'll find that with the right person, his Judaism becomes less relevant.

So why limit ourselves?  It simply does not make sense to go on a date with the same expectations you have for a life partner.  Try it out!  You might surprise yourself.

Coincidentally, most of the people I've had serious crushes on in recent memory were not Jewish, but all of the people I've "dated" were.  For me, it's not even a serious consideration anymore and won't be until I'm ready to commit for the longer term.

That's just how I roll.

Peace out,

CD

CD (Casual Dater) is female, straight and 20 years old.


Note from the Editor: If you have things to say about this topic, write up a post! To keep your contributions completely anonymous, log in to our PDO Writer gmail account:
username: pdo.writer
password: diametric
So submit! (especially if you're a guy or in an interracial relationship)

Taking a Break on Interracial/Interfaith Dating

Meet Taking a Break (TaB) here.

So far in life, it seems that I have been plagued with only liking boys I can’t have.  I mean, it is hard enough to find a guy in general, but adding on the religious constraints my parents add makes things quite difficult. They have told me, since I was little, that they will not attend my wedding if I marry outside of my religion.  Now, that sounds downright evil, you may be thinking, and quite a few friends have said to me that this sounds racist. I love and respect my parents, and I want their support at my wedding, even if they are being rather harsh.

Disregarding these rules, I dated out of our religion. I felt that I was probably not going to marry my first boyfriend, so it would be no big deal. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My mother was ashamed of my relationship, and she made sure her mother didn’t find out, because my grandmother would most certainly have complained about it as she had done when my cousin dated outside of our religion. Additionally, his parents didn’t want him dating me either, based on racial grounds. The relationship lasted longer than I had initially expected, but as we grew closer, our parents’ desires and no possibility of a real future kept pulling us apart. And when it ended, unfortunately, this whole race/religion/parents thing was a big factor.

One thing that this relationship taught me, however, is that I would prefer to marry someone within my religion. The culture, the traditions, the holidays, are all very important to my identity, and although I could love someone who does not have those as part of their life, I’d prefer finding someone who I could share them with. If I want to raise a family someday within my religion, I’ll need a partner with at least some of the cultural values that I have been brought up with.

Although, in the end, I came to the same conclusion as my parents, I don’t think they went about it the right way. Threatening your child in that way makes staying within your religion or race seem like a punishment or a constraint, but in reality, I would have come to the same decision on my own eventually. If culture and religion are important to you, as it is to me, it will be your own factor in finding a mate. And if religion and race is not important to you as you find a partner that is perfectly alright. An individual will try and make the decision that is right for them and their situation. Parents can give advice and support, but ultimately it is the child’s choice, and they should be able to accept that.

Taking a Break (TaB) is nineteen, female and single.


PS (note from the editor): New comment form so you can respond to individual comments!

April on Interracial Dating

If you're new to the blog, I'm April. Nice to meet you. I'm one of the creators of this blog, and I'm super excited to start it up again with fresh writers and new topics :) Feel free to go back and read our archived posts to see what we're all about.

Quick intro:
First, read this. And since this post is about race and religion: I'm Chinese, but my parents are not your typical strict-about-dating-and-boys Asian parents. I'm very nonreligious - I was raised without any sort of religious background, and I still don't completely understand it. So...there you go - everything you didn't need to know about me and more.

On being Asian:
As an ABC (American Born Chinese), I'm pretty white for an Asian. I may like school and math in particular, but I don't speak Chinese, I don't eat the food that much, and truthfully I don't know what "real" Asians do, so I can't even complete this list of things that I don't do.

I have always known that I will never marry an Asian guy. (When I say Asian, I'm including oriental Asians only - Indians are fair game.) I'd probably date a couple in the next ten years or so, but not seriously. This may be because I think half-Asians are the best thing ever, and obviously, me reproducing with another Asian would result in full-Asian babies. But really I'm just not attracted to them. I like all other kinds of guys - white, Jewish, Black, Indian, Hispanic, you name it.

[Let me just add half-Asians to that list. Like I said, I think they are the best thing ever. I guess this can be explained: There are Asian qualities that I like, most certainly, but there are those that I apparently do not like. The half-non-Asian part of half-Asians takes those qualities away, I suppose. Not sure.]

On interracial and interfaith dating:
While I've only dated white guys in the past, I have liked guys (or should we call them men?) of all colors and religions. Being the yellow-on-the-outside-white-on-the-inside Asian that I am, it's really not a big deal. My parents are not limiting me to only Chinese dudes (thank god) and they really couldn't care less about who I date. In terms of affluence, Asians and whites are typically on fairly equal ground, so socio-economically, there's no difference. There's no Pretty In Pink storyline anywhere. That would be a great topic for another day.

I don't think I could ever date someone who was religious, because that would be a huge part of him that I just wouldn't be able to understand.

Conclusion:
This post can be summed up like so:

• I'm Asian, but I don't like Asians. (unless they're half-Asian)
• My parents do not restrict who I can and can't date; for this, I am very thankful.
• I cannot imagine what my life would be like if they did restrict my love life (see bullet 1).
• If only because religion is a pretty big part of people's lives, I could not date someone who was very religious because I wouldn't be able to share in that big part of their life.
• I believe our other contributors can offer much better insight on this topic.

Thanks very much to Tanya and Maddy for this fabulous topic suggestion!

April is female, straight and 19 years old.

Dating: A term, or a real thing?

So, we haven’t blogged in a while. Man, I don’t know if I know how to do this anymore. Maybe it’s like riding a bike. Anyway, the topic of today’s discussion is if dating is a reality or just a label?

Is the term dating needed to imply some sort of deeper connection between two people, or is the term something that isn’t needed for a relationship?

Of course, dating (in the broad sense of the term) is just something you do with people who you aren’t necessarily dating (in the narrower, modern teenage sense of the word) but want to go somewhere with. To be dating someone implies that you go on dates with this person frequently. Therefore, the idea that going on a date with someone else multiple times means you two date; making dating a reality. But, what about two people, who, for whatever reason, don’t go on dates, but have feelings for each other and are in all other senses of the word in a relationship? If you two don’t do things together as a couple, can you truly be determined to be a couple?

I think that the act of dating, while sometimes vitally important to both building and maintaining a relationship, is not necessarily the keystone in the arch which is the relationship. In other words it isn’t needed for the two people to be going on dates with each other to be in a relationship where they can be labeled boyfriend and girlfriend.

So, while dating is mostly a reality, and most couples I think do go on dates together, and are therefore dating, it isn’t necessary and comes down in the end to mostly a label and not a reality where it determines the nature of the relationship.

What's all the hype about dating?

The term "dating" isn't as big of a deal as it seems. It doesn't mean anything. I mean, it's used with a couple becomes official or whatever, but can't you be "official" without "dating"? And vice versa? I mean, I'm sure there are people who aren't "official" who are much closer than people who are "dating." Actually, I know for a fact there are.

What makes someone more of a boyfriend than a close friend? I've recently become obsessed with Sex and the City and in one episode (I believe it's #306, "Are We Sluts?"), Carrie Bradshaw and her almost-boyfriend Aiden are chilling at her house. And in one minute, he kisses her. She thinks to herself, "boyfriend." In the next minute, he's commenting on how hot Halle Berry is. Carrie thinks, "friend." And two seconds later, he tells her that she's more beautiful and hot than Halle Berry. Carrie thinks, "boyfriend." And so on. And he doesn't sleep with her. So she is very confused.

Now. Here's what I thought the entire time I was watching this. Just because a guy thinks someone else (a celebrity for that matter) is really hot, and has the nerve (courage? audacity? none of the above?) to say it in front of a girl, does that mean he isn't interested in her? And just because a guy playfully teases a girl and acts goofy and makes fun of her, does that mean he just wants to be her friend? I'm gonna go with no and no. That just doesn't make sense. What kind of boyfriend doesn't make fun of his girlfriend at all? Would you not shoot yourself if all your boyfriend did was send you flowers and cook for you and tell you you're amazing? Okay, actually, that would be awesome. But the relationship dynamic there would be so weird. What kind of couple would you be if you couldn't have some fun by making fun of eachother?

So, once you're dating, does it mean that the guy has to buy you dinner and call you every night and whatever?

Seriously, I have trouble defining what is the difference between just friends, friends with benefits, and boyfriend&girlfriend. Actually, what I really don't get is friends with benefits...but we'll save that for another day.

But what makes dating so different than the step before that? If you slap on the label of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," does that change anything except the way other people define you? Is the relationship any different? It's just a label. You don't transport into a new stage just because you called a guy your boyfriend. I mean, sure it's meaningful and important, but it's not any different.

It's one thing if you can't kiss and hold hands before you're "official." But who does that? It's like waiting for marriage before you have sex. A lot of people wait, but a lot of people don't. In a way, marriage isn't that different than engagement, which isn't that different from a long term relationship, especially if you live together, or in some cases, ahve a kid. There aren't clear cut stages anymore. You're allowed to do whatever you want. Aside from the legal stuff, marriage is a label too. And dating is even more so because it doesn't begin with a big ceremony and multiple parties.

Sorry to bring marriage into this blog....I've been watching too much Sex and the City.

to infinity... and beyond! by that i mean Dating A Good Friend.

I say this from personal experience: Dating a close friend does not ruin the friendship. Of course, it definitely can in some cases, but I’ll get to that later. Naturally, if you become really close to a friend of the opposite sex, some other feelings of attraction might develop, in addition to usual friendly love. To this, I say go for it. Don’t shy away from it just because they are your friend. Good things can happen and you never know until you give it a shot.

In a way I think people who date their best or close friends have different relationships than those who date people they instantly fall for. At the moment I can’t think of anyone I know personally who is/was in the latter relationship. Actually maybe a couple. But still. I conclude that most people date their friends, because obviously they know them better. People who date close friends tend to have a relationship that stems from the basis of that friendship and grows to the next level. It’s basically like hanging out with a friend but doing all those things couples do too. I don’t know. I just think that people with boyfriends or girlfriends who weren’t really friends before have a different balance of coupley stuff versus hanging out stuff.

I’ll also say that because of the way high school dating works, people tend to be friends with others before they are their bf/gf. But once we’re beyond high school, we meet people randomly and go on a date and if we hit it off, then that’s great. But in that case, you start off with the goal of finding a relationship partner or whatever, you know what I mean?

The problem with dating friends is the worry about whether the friendship will be ruined as a result of the relationship ending. Obviously high school relationships don’t last forever. It’s sad but it’s reality. I think that if you were friends before you started dating, you can remain friends afterwards. Of course, there is a period of awkwardness, but I can assure you, it will subside in time. And everything will be back to normal and in a little while you’ll be laughing about how you two dated way back when. The exception to this is if something bad happens that causes the end of the relationship. Something that totally kills every connection you ever had. Like, for example, infidelity or abuse or crazy personality transformations. Something like that would put into question the future of the friendship.

If you and your best-friend-of-the-opposite-sex (or same sex if you prefer: we don’t discriminate) are into eachother, I say go for it. Neither of you wants anything bad to happen, and 9 times out of 10 nothing will. You also get to skip over (most of) the awkward stuff because you’ll already be way more comfortable hanging out with eachother than you would with anyone else. But there is definitely awkward stuff. Like you’ve been so used to just being friends, how do you go about acting like you’re dating? What makes it any different? Aside from making out in the hallways at school, which is a practice I do not condone anyway. Once you give it a shot, it’s up to you to decide whether you like life better as friends or as more then friends and do what you will from there. But you never know until you try.

I don’t know if this answered the question (if there even was one), or any question for that matter.

We are back, for real this time!

So, we’re finally actually back. This time with real posts, written by us. Yay!

So, on to tonight’s topic: dating friends. April has kindly laid out some prompt questions for me to answer, because I like doing that, rather than just rambling, so, I’ll start answering.

Will it mess up the friendship? Well, I think that depends on what happens in the relationship. If you date and remain friends, but with physical attraction towards each other then I think that of course you can still be friends, at least during the tenure of your relationship. O course, if you break up in a way that is disagreeable to one, or both of you, then the likely hood that you will be friends after the fact grow less and less. This is not to say it can’t happen, but I think that it could cause a worse situation if you do break up. This would be based on the fact that if you had a lot of history together as friends and you had history together while in your relationship it is going to be worse if you break up badly. This is especially if the person that you begin dating is someone who is a best friend, someone you tell everything to already and you basically can’t live without. If that falls through if you break up (which it probably will at least for a little while) though, unless you have support in place of what your until recent boyfriend or girlfriend would have provided, you’re going to be in a much worse situation than you would if you still had your friend. So, there is the potential for a friendship to be messed up.

Is it different than dating non-friends? I think this is an interesting question, mostly because I don’t think I’d think about seriously dating someone, in the sense that I date it to mean (not just going on dates, but being a couple officially or whatever), unless I was friends with them. Now, dates can establish friendship and interest and that can grow into a relationship, but I think that you can’t totally discount friendship from a relationship. If you two can’t get along except when you’re making out with each other I don’t think it is really working to well. But, I’m sure some people see otherwise. I think though that dating a best-friend figure or a close friend is definitely different than dating someone who is only a sort of friend. I think that if you two are good friends already you’re going to be able to have a good time together almost no matter what, but otherwise you’re going to need to work at it more. So, I think that dating close friends can be helpful, it can be easier, but it can also of course cause problems as I just discussed in the last paragraph.

Now, April had some other prompts, but I basically answered them in the first paragraph, so, a final one.

If you don’t date, will things be weird that way too? I think this is an excellent question. I think it depends on how you go about bringing up the subject to begin with between you two. I think that it is going to create some tension, some awkwardness no matter what you do, even if one party doesn’t know about the other liking them. But, I do think that things don’t necessarily have to be weird forever. The two people can stay friends, even if both are quite aware of the feelings that they either have, or had for each other. Obviously it also depends on the people, some people could totally freak out and it could cause a problem where the two people might not talk for a really long time, but for others it might just cause a more subtle tension and awkwardness, one where both of them know it is there, but it is harder to detect unless you know what is going on.

So, even though I think most of what I just wrote seemed rather negative, I feel that dating between friends isn’t a bad thing. It can work out just fine, but sometimes it isn’t for the best. You just have to be aware of what is going on and how things are working out, because I think that it can get awkward very quickly, possibly more quickly that with someone you don’t really know, or aren’t really good friends with.

Dumping...dun, dun, dunnnn. (bring on the waterworks! lots of ice cream too!)

This topic came up a couple weeks ago at school, because apparently it was a health class assignment to write about how you’d want to be dumped or something? I personally have never been officially dumped, but I’ve never really been in much of a relationship before either. I do, however, know how I’d want to be dumped and how I would dump someone else.

Unless you’re in a messed up relationship, I would expect you can tell when a breakup is about to happen. Maybe things aren’t going well, or you never really talk or the fabulosity that your relationship once was isn’t there anymore. If that was the case, I’d say it’d be a “mutual breakup.” Some dispute that such a thing actually exists, but I believe it’s 100% possible. This would be my ideal breakup: sitting down and talking, and coming to the conclusion that you’re just not right for eachother. Sure it will be hard and there will be tears but it’s all on good terms.

But ideal breakups don’t always happen. In our imperfect world, things happen. Like, maybe you and your sig. other get into a huge fight, and one person screams “IT’S OVER!!” (like they do in movies) and you cry and wallow in anger and self-pity. Once you get over the initial shock, closure is totally necessary. You have to decide to move on without the anger emotion clouding your thoughts.

If your sig. other cheats on you, I guess it’s up to you to decide on giving second chances or not. On principle, I would say no way in hell do they deserve a second chance, but at the same time, I would totally probably give one anyway. It’s probably bad. But what can I say?

Anyway. I would prefer to be dumped in person. I would also prefer to dump someone else in person. It’s just so much more real, not to mention respectful. Over the phone is the tiniest step down from in person, so if you’re going to do that, why not just take the extra ounce of effort and meet them face to face? The worst ways to dump are facebook, email and texting. Texting is just a huge slap in the face. Like could you please care enough to at least dump me in person? And facebook. If you want your breakup all over the internet, be my guest and let everyone see the comment that ends your relationship. My problem with email is that the time you send the email and the time it’s received do not coincide at all. So when you’re done with the relationship, they don’t know it yet, and that’s just weird. Finally, there’s AIM. I know it’s not the best way, but sometimes it’s the only way. Maybe it’s impersonal, but it’s a way to get all your thoughts and feelings out at once, with an immediate response. In person, you can’t say everything at once. Emotions and the person’s response could totally inhibit that.

When I was talking about this a couple weeks ago, I was asked what I would actually say. It all depends on how the person reacts. But I’d start with, “I think we should break up.” Simple as that. But then, one of the guys I was talking to said that saying “I think” would be unfair, because they could say “I think we should stay together” and they couldn’t really have their wish. If I were to break up with someone, there is no way that I would let myself be convinced to change my mind. I would go in with the intention of breaking up and come out of it newly single, without a doubt. I also don’t think I could ever break up impulsively; I don’t trust myself enough to do that. I’d be afraid of regretting my decision later.

If I were to be dumped, I’d want the reason to be sincere and a good one. I’d want the person to be sensitive and caring about it. But then again, if the reason was jerky and stupid, I’d have a better reason to hate the guy. But in all honesty, I wouldn’t want to hate the guy. Which brings me to my next and final topic....

Staying friends after the breakup. It’s possible, it really is. But I think it’s more likely if the two of you were friends before the relationship. If you guys met and immediately started dating, it’d be harder to be friends afterwards since you were never friend before. I hate the idea that a relationship, something that is good, can potentially end something like a friendship. Of course, it takes time after a breakup to be friends again, but if you let the hard feelings and awkwardness subside, it can happen.

So I lied. I just thought of one more little thing. Never regret a relationship you were in. For that matter, never regret anything. But seriously, if you had never been in that relationship, no matter how good or bad it was, you wouldn’t be the same person you are after the fact. Just sayin’.

What happens when you get dumped!? Oh no!

How to dump someone. If you were being dumped, what kinds of things would piss you off, what kinds of things would you prefer (AIM vs in person vs phone, etc), is it possible to still be friends, where would you do it? At their house or on a date?

So, we’re back, finally. This weekly blogging thing is much easier. But now we basically never update. Anyway, back to the updating.

So, that’s the topic up there at the top, it’s a good question, and one which I’m sure many people have asked themselves. So, I guess I’ll just answer the questions that are posed in the topic:

So, what things would I prefer and what don’t I like about getting dumped? Well, if you’re going to dump someone the best way to do it, in my mind is in person, in a neutral place that doesn’t make the situation awkward. Like, you can’t do it in a place that neither of you can leave; therefore, no dumping your significant other on a boat. You get the idea. If both of you have ways of leaving with little attention brought to the fact that you’re leaving then that is best possible situation, at least in my mind. This is of course only really important for breaking up when you either want to remain friends (which I’ll talk about later) or you just don’t want to make a scene. So, like the topic says, you don’t want to have to break up with someone at their house, it puts one person on the defensive anyway, because they don’t live there, and if they are the one being broken up with then they have to leave their now exes house. And that’s just awkward. The only time it might be acceptable to break up with someone at their house is if the person doing the breaking up is leaving and breaks up with the person who lives in the house. That way there is already a leaving motion and it can be continued and not awkward, or at least not as bad. But really, anything that involves the two of you alone, like a date or at a house is a bad idea.

That doesn’t mean though that breaking up should be public, but you shouldn’t be so alone that you both can’t run off to your respective friends, or at least other people. So, you can’t break up while you’re on a date, or really right after one, unless it went badly, then it can happen. But if you break up after a date that seems to go well the dumpee is going to feel really bad. Basically you don’t want to give false hope when you’re on the verge of breaking up. In theory, perfectly, both parties should know it is coming and understand where it is coming from. This of course doesn’t always happen. This is why when you are dumping someone, or even if you are being dumped, you want to talk about it with the other person. Don’t just let it happen and then later wonder what was wrong. If you don’t know, ask about it. Because if you understand what was wrong you can either fix it for yourself and future relationships, or just know and not have to wonder about it forever.

So, I basically covered how to break up, whether in person or on the phone or online. The best way is definitely in person. Though, that can depend on how the person is going to react of course. A phone could be easier just because it can provide more distance. But, I think that generally breaking up should be done in person, face to face, so that you can actually talk about what happened or whatever.

So, finally, is it possible to still be friends. Well, I’d say it is. I’m best friends with one girl who broke up with me and good friends with another. Of course, I’ve also dated one person three times and so we broke up, and then got back together about a year later, and then the same thing happened again. But, we remained friends through all of that so I don’t think you can say it can’t be done. But, depending on the relationship itself, as well as the previous connection before the relationship started it could affect how well exes can still be friends. If the relationship was something that involved a lot of friends like activity, then eventually I think that the couple can be friends. Not immediately of course. You do need some time apart just to not make it really weird. But, you can go about your normal business pretty easily and still be friends with the person after a break up in that case. But, if the relationship was mostly based on relationship type things, going on dating and being all lovey and stuff, then it’s much harder to be friends. So, basically, if you’re friends with your significant other outside of dating them, then yeah, you’ll probably be able to still be friends, otherwise it’s a lot harder.

So, I think that’s enough about that. I need to go to sleep, I have work in the morning.

Relationship dynamics: the view from the outside

I basically agree with everything Duncan already said, but I’m hoping I can add to it or provoke different ideas amongst you readers. Duncan relates this topic to his recent breakup, but I can relate it to the relationship I’m in currently.

In my opinion, I’m a good judge of character and I don’t get blinded by love or anger or any emotion too too much. I believe that if I were being abused or mistreated, I would know. I’m strong enough to put an end to it.

...Buttttt you never know. So, when my friends started telling me that they thought my boyfriend wasn’t caring or whatever, I freaked out a little. I talked to a couple people about it. And it’s not like I don’t realize that he jokes around a lot and makes fun of me, but it never really bothers me. But still, I took these concerns to heart because I know that my friends are just looking out for me and I also did not want to be the idiot at the end.

But ultimately, while my friends know me well enough, they don’t know the dynamic of my relationship at all. So I put these concerns aside and I’ll save them for when he’s actually being a jerk. For now though, I’m totally fine with the way things are, though I know that no matter how many times I emphasize that, no one will ever fully believe me.

And that’s the way it is. Like Duncan said, only the two people actually involved in the relationship truly know what’s going on. Sure, sometimes they need friends to get them out of a denial stage, but for the most part, the two people know themselves the best.

I think outsiders and onlookers have a right to be concerned and to judge and to let you know what’s up if they see a red flag, but they also have to bestow a great amount of trust in the couple. If a couple is actually having a problem, trust that they’ll work things out themselves. There’s no need to meddle, most of the time.

Nota Bene. There are always exceptions to a rule. As with everything, it depends on the situation at hand. But still, whatever happens, happens.

So, more stuff about relationships.

April and I have decided we have fairly similar views on this topic and so I'll be posting this. Though, of course she is free to either write her own or to comment on this to affirm or deny what I wrote.

So, as of recent events in my life, I’m currently single. I’d like to, in this post, not talk about being single now or breaking up or anything like that but instead the way that relationships are viewed.

This recent development came as a shock to many of my friends, and a many of my ex’s friends too. To them, while granted I didn’t talk to a lot of my friends about my relationship, they saw a relationship which was not in any danger of falling apart. Now, I can’t speak for my ex’s friends, but I’d assume most or many of them would be in the same sort of boat. They were probably shocked by this just as my friends were.

This surprise experienced by the outside world was, I think, much more expected by my ex and myself. Partially because we both came to the same conclusion that we should break up, this can be accounted for, as we were both preparing ourselves for it. But, the fact that we were the ones in the relationship and not out friends can also be a large factor in this.

The point of this being that it seems to me that the only people who know what’s really going on in a relationship between two people are those two people. It doesn’t matter how much you tell your best friend, or how much you think that your friends understand you; what matters to really understanding a relationship and its dynamics are the people in it. And those two people are the ones who really should be making judgments about what is going on in the relationship, about if they are moving too fast or to slow and so on.

When people outside of the relationship look on, into the fishbowl, as it is, they see with a distorted image of what one side tells them, with their own biases and prejudices and so on. This skewed view of the relationship coming from the people outside of it, if then fed into the relationship through one of the people can cause all sorts of problems which would not have occurred before. While yes, people are allowed to think what they want and to advise their friends how they want to, they should understand that they probably can’t actually understand what is going on in the relationship dynamic.

Now, I feel that if I don’t add this at the end, I’ll get attacked for it: In some cases the outside influence is needed from someone because when you’re in a relationship you might possibly be blind to what your partner does and this could develop into an abusive relationship. But, I think that in most cases an abusive relationship isn’t going to be the case and trying to find one where there is none is futile and wasteful.

Topic Number One: A Guy's opinion on guys being Macho

So, I'll discuss both at the same time really (and mostly because I can't think of too many girly stereotypes, other than things like not wearings pants, and I think we're past that as a society). So, guys being macho is a role that we take on to garner attention from the opposite sex, or just from those around us. I see it as an easy way to show off and both show to girls (in the case of guys being macho) that you're confident and also it plays into a stereotypical male-female relationship of the guy being big and strong, who makes the money and also goes out and hunts for food. In a basic and early human society (I'm talking hunter gatherer and earlier here) mating was based on survival and therefore a guy who could provide both protection and food for a woman was looked on as the best candidate. This has evolved into a man with power, or money or fame in a modern setting. But this need for guys to want to feel macho comes from this basic ability to show off to women to get attention and then be picked as the best mate. Also, to get the attention of women you want to have one of those things that I said earlier, which gets you seen as better than everyone else around, power, money, fame, strength. And acting like a tough guy who can deal with anything is sometimes the easiest of these to achieve, which makes acting macho something which a lot of guys do to get attention.

So, those are my thoughts on the issue of guys being macho, I'm not sure how well organized that is and if it makes any sense at all. If it doesn't, inform me and I'll rethink the flow of consciousness plan.