April and I have decided we have fairly similar views on this topic and so I'll be posting this. Though, of course she is free to either write her own or to comment on this to affirm or deny what I wrote.
So, as of recent events in my life, I’m currently single. I’d like to, in this post, not talk about being single now or breaking up or anything like that but instead the way that relationships are viewed.
This recent development came as a shock to many of my friends, and a many of my ex’s friends too. To them, while granted I didn’t talk to a lot of my friends about my relationship, they saw a relationship which was not in any danger of falling apart. Now, I can’t speak for my ex’s friends, but I’d assume most or many of them would be in the same sort of boat. They were probably shocked by this just as my friends were.
This surprise experienced by the outside world was, I think, much more expected by my ex and myself. Partially because we both came to the same conclusion that we should break up, this can be accounted for, as we were both preparing ourselves for it. But, the fact that we were the ones in the relationship and not out friends can also be a large factor in this.
The point of this being that it seems to me that the only people who know what’s really going on in a relationship between two people are those two people. It doesn’t matter how much you tell your best friend, or how much you think that your friends understand you; what matters to really understanding a relationship and its dynamics are the people in it. And those two people are the ones who really should be making judgments about what is going on in the relationship, about if they are moving too fast or to slow and so on.
When people outside of the relationship look on, into the fishbowl, as it is, they see with a distorted image of what one side tells them, with their own biases and prejudices and so on. This skewed view of the relationship coming from the people outside of it, if then fed into the relationship through one of the people can cause all sorts of problems which would not have occurred before. While yes, people are allowed to think what they want and to advise their friends how they want to, they should understand that they probably can’t actually understand what is going on in the relationship dynamic.
Now, I feel that if I don’t add this at the end, I’ll get attacked for it: In some cases the outside influence is needed from someone because when you’re in a relationship you might possibly be blind to what your partner does and this could develop into an abusive relationship. But, I think that in most cases an abusive relationship isn’t going to be the case and trying to find one where there is none is futile and wasteful.
2 comments:
Duncan, i agree with a lot of what you are saying. A relationship is only between the two involved. Although friends want to get involved and help their friend in any way possible, it is ultimately up to the two in the relationship to make desicions.
you make a really good point. no matter how much you disclose to your friends about your significant other, no one will ever be able to see the relationship the way you do simply because they aren't experiencing it. and sometimes that makes it all the more difficult when you feel it's time to part ways and no one else can understand why because the relationship seems so solid from the outside.
Post a Comment